I can’t believe it’s been a year since you destroyed me. I can’t believe that in three days, you’re going to rape me. You’ll set me on fire. Choke me. Cut me. Ruin my life. Make me feel like a “fat slut” “dumb whore” “fucking cunt” and worse. I steal hear it. I can hear you telling me that you’ll slit my throat. That you will “fucking kill me”. It echo’s around in my mind all the time. The memories torture me almost as much as you did. But they don’t leave scars.
What did i do wrong? I was just a kid. I was 13. I was a virgin. I was innocent. I was young and stupid. I was just out running. Just blowing off some steam. Just jogging.
You dragged me.
You pinned me down.
You tortured me.
You raped me.
You walked away.
You’re free.
I remember being free. I remember being pretty much fearless. I used to be scared of stupid things. Spiders. the dark. Now i’m scared of what you did.
Everything changed. You got up and left completely safe. What about me? What do i do now?! I’m NEVER safe.
Why? Why did you do this? Is it my fault?
I talk about it now. For the longest time i did exactly what you wanted. I kept quiet. I suffered in silence. But then i got the courage to speak. People know what you did. People have claimed they would kill you if i knew who you were.
Well i’m glad i don’t know who you are. What i do know is you’re a monster. A big scary monster that haunts me everywhere i go. But i refuse to let you kill me. I won’t let you kill me. I’m going to survive, despite what you took away from me.
I hate you. I fucking hate you. And i fucking hate what you did. And i hate that you could do it to someone else. And i hate that i don’t have the courage to stop you. And i hope that someone else does. That someone catches you and locks you up in jail forever. And i hope while you’re in there you feel what you made me feel. I hope you start to hate yourself. I hope you blame yourself. I hope you become haunted by the guilt and shame and pain. I hope you start trying to do anything to change. I hope you feel what it’s like to be so hungry but you can’t eat because you’re too upset. I hope you go to bed with your stomach growling and cuts on your hip to cover the unwanted ones. I hope you look in the mirror and cry because of the inadequacy you feel. I hope you scream because the thoughts in your head just won’t go away. I hope you feel the helplessness of being trapped in hell with no way out. And i hope you know that you deserve it. You deserve all of it. Because i didn’t.
Good for you, sweetheart. Your writing is raw and real and so, so brave. You are an inspiration, and I’m six years older than you. Keep believing that you didn’t deserve what happened to you, because you didn’t. Keep believing that you are worth something, because you are – you are worth so much more than you know. Keep being angry, because anger is better than no emotion at all.
I hope that one day you are able to approach forgiveness, for your sake, not his – but that doesn’t mean you need to let go of the anger. He robbed you of your innocence, and that is something you will never stop being angry over. But I do hope you will regain control over your life and regain your freedom, because you deserve that. Be strong, little one. Sending love. <3